Breaking
by bones-gooberbutt
Summary: When Higgin's brother is killed, she finds she doesn't have to bear the grief alone.


Breaking

Magnum and Higgins were on their way home. Higgins sat, rigidly, in the passenger seat, studiously looking out the window, her hand clenched in Magnum's offered hand, resting on her knee. Five hours earlier, they all were having a grand time at La Marinana, drinking with her brother, Brandon, the only family she had left. He had come for a visit to the States and Magnum, the boys, and Kumu all took to him and were giving him a send off of epic proportions when a shot rang out in the restaurant. People scrambled, ducked, and ran. Once the chaos died down, they found Brandon, slumped in his chair killed instantly from the wayward bullet.

The next 5 hours were a blur of police, phone calls, and people. Through it all, Juliet never wavered. She stood at attention, answered questions clearly and decisively, and showed no emotion. By the time things were signed, answered, and winding down, Magum was so worried about Higgins he was ready to physically pick her up and take her home. Finally, she looked at him and said, "I guess it is time to go", with a shrug. Magum nodded and ushered her to the car.

She walked over to the passenger door and paused, her hand resting on the handle, looking at Magum as he opened up his door and sat down.

"He has a family. A wife, child. What will they do? I just don't understand." she said, opening up her door and wearily sitting down in the seat, the first small indication of her feelings.

Magnum looked sadly at her and said, "I don't know. I don't think anyone could ever understand why this happened. I don't think we are meant to."

Juliet smiled sadly and looked away. "I am ready to go home, Magnum."

Magnum nodded and started the car. As they were pulling out of the drive he reached over and covered Higgin's hand with his. She didn't so much as look at him, but she did grab ahold and did not let go. The rest of the ride was silent, her looking out of the window, clenching Magnum's hand and Magnum silently wondering when the dam would break.

Once they reached the guest house, Magnum was relieved to see she was out of the car and walking to his door. He had been worried she would try to build a wall, shut them out, and want to be by herself. There was no way he was going to let that happen and, as far as he was concerned, she could move in and stay forever, but that was not something he was going to entertain at the moment. Now it was all about taking care of Higgins and getting her through another senseless tragedy that was thrown in her life, their lives.

Magnum opened the door and let her in, watching her all the while. She stepped in and looked down at her blood stained clothing. "I should change." she said, as nonchalantly as she could.

Magnum was not fooled. They had been around each other long enough that he knew exactly how hard she was trying to hold herself together.

"I have clothes you can use, Higgy. You know where the towels are. You clean up and I will bring you a shirt and shorts." Magnum said, grabbing her hand again and carefully leading her over to the bathroom.

She nodded and walked over to the sink, looking at herself in the mirror. She noted how pale she looked, how her eyes had black smudges under them, and how her expression was stone - not betraying any of what she was feeling.

"All my training has not been lost." she thought to herself, weirdly proud that she could pass for somewhat sane at the moment. She wanted nothing more than to control the situation, control what emotion Magnum saw but, at the same time, she was also fighting with the want to just collapse in his arms and let him hold her until she no longer felt like this was her fault, like this was her penance for all the death she had caused in her life (even though it was, generally, needed and for the good of humanity). She felt cursed.

Magnum watched her carefully, knowing she was struggling. She thought she was able to hide if from him, but he could read her like a book. He picked up a washcloth, ran it under hot water, and handed it to her. "Get cleaned up, Juliet. I will be right outside." as he shut the door. He quickly ran to his bedroom and grabbed a soft gray t-shirt and a pair of blue drawstring shorts. When he returned he knocked softly on the door.

"Higgy?" he whispered, "I have some clothes".

She opened the door slightly and grabbed what he was holding.

"Thank you, Thomas." she said as she closed the door again.

About 5 minutes went by, as Magnum was pacing and listening, ready to intervene if he heard even the smallest whimper. The door opened and out stepped Higgins in his clothes, her bloody clothes piled in the corner of the bathroom. "Please, just throw those away, Magnum." she said.

She walked over to the kitchen counter and leaned on it, blowing out a huge breath, looking so tired, so sad. Magnum walked to her side, reached out to tuck an errant strand of hair behind her ear and solemnly said, "Higgy...you don't need to be strong all the time, or in control. You don't need to pretend you aren't affected. I know you. I know you better than you think I do. You hold everyone at arm's length. I know you argue with me, berate me, and are even downright mean to me sometimes, but I know the reason why. You think that will make me keep my distance from you. But, it won't. I can't. You are family, now - part of our Ohana. We love you, you do know that, right?".

Juliet looked at him, tears welling in her eyes.

He continued, "We will be here for you. Through this and through anything else. You can even keep being mean to me if you like," he chuckled, "but it isn't going to change the fact that you are one of us. And we take care of our own."

He stopped then, wondering if he said too much, waiting for her to make the next move. He wasn't going to force her to let it out, but he also wasn't going to just sit idly by while she tortured herself about something she had no control in. "Well, she hasn't pummeled me yet," he thought, taking that as a good sign.

Suddenly, Higgins let out a sob that was so sorrowful it almost brought tears to Magnum's eyes. He was at her side in a second, holding her to him as she cried, stroking her hair and whispering reassurances.

She continued to cry, wave after wave of grief pouring out of her. Magnum wondered if part of this was pent in grief from Richard's death as well, but he would never ask that. All he could do is hold her as she sobbed, wetting his t-shirt. Her knees buckled, Magnum lowered them down to the kitchen floor and just held her, running his hands up and down her back. "It's ok. I've got you." he said softly, over and over.

Juliet felt she could not get herself under control. All the sorrow, guilt, grief, and anger poured out like lava. She knew she should feel embarrassed or, at the very least, ashamed of herself but she wasn't. While she would never admit it to Magnum, she trusted him wholeheartedly. She knew he watched her, thinking she didn't know the depth of his care for her. She knew this and more. She loved him, loved her little Hawaii Ohana. She was surprised he had called her behavior out, letting her know he knew her plan. Keep people at arm's length, out of your bubble, and no one gets hurt. She knew that wasn't healthy, but she also knew she would never survive if something happened to Magnum, happened to any of her new found family, especially after losing her brother. She wasn't sure she could handle life if they weren't in it. It comforted her knowing that Magnum knew, had accepted her, and cared about her even though she sometimes was cold and aloof towards him. She often wondered what would happen if they just gave in, chose to make a go at a relationship. Magnum was the only man since Richard she could see a tangible future with, but fear kept that thought from bubbling up too often.

Finally, Juliet felt as though she had drained every ounce of emotion and energy she had. She leaned back and looked at Magnum.

"Thomas" she said hesitantly, "I'm sorry. I'm just...sorry." Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, but not leaving his embrace. "I didn't mean to break down. You didn't need to see that."

Magnum just smiled, "Juliet, you never need to apologize for anything. Ever." He wiped a couple of stray tears off her cheeks with his thumb. "It is ok to show you have feelings. It isn't a weakness, at least, not to me. You can't keep all of this in. It will drive you mad. Please don't think you need to hide anything from me."

Juliet nodded, "You are right, I suppose. It doesn't negate the fact that I am still embarrassed I blubbered on your shoulder and soaked your shirt. But, I just want you to know...I am so thankful for you. I am so thankful you were all brought into my life." She gave Magnum a watery smile and grasped his hand.

Magnum helped her get to her feet, not letting go of her hand. He guided her slowly over to the couch, grabbed a blanket, sat down and settled them into the couch.

Rick and TC found them on the couch a couple hours later, Higgins curled up into Magnum's side, Magnum's hand still in hers.


End file.
